I’ve decided, or realized, that the constant state of low level anxiety created by endless Facebook notifications, incessant news browsing and indefinite connectedness is unsustainability bad for my brain.
I’m an information sponge, by nature. I absorb an unusual portion of facts that I encounter, and retain much of it indefinitely. This has given me huge advantages in my professional career, and I’m fortunate to have a job which exploits that.
I was one of the first smartphone users, an early adopter of PalmOS phones. I carefully curated a functional home page of URLs which functioned much like the apps of today, though without the clutter. For example I had a direct link for the animated gif of the weather radar around Boston. Even though I was limited to dialup speeds I was able to get that piece of information quickly. I had links for the text based versions of local news sites and one for Webster’s online dictionary.
These days the internet and my usage of it have evolved. Originally the World Wide Web was conceived as a bidirectional exchange, where each user would contribute substantially similarly to their consumption. While I have been active at times on various message boards, I’ve never contributed as much as I intended.
Partly, I think this was due to a lack of confidence. I didn’t self-identify as a writer, possibly to protect myself from the pain of failing at it. It’s always easier to avoid trying new things and pretend we’d be good if we did. Still it wasn’t an aspiration of mine, and I figured I’d leave that work to the professionals. I was content to consume, and occasionally to regurgitate on my unsuspecting friends. (Gross.)
Now I am content to fail, or at least not to succeed.
Of course, your undying adulation will not be ignored, and my objective is not selfless. It’s just that I am no longer content to consume.
About a decade ago I started getting involved in the Maker Movement. By now I don’t have to explain that term to you, but at the time it was a novelty. I was interested in laser cutting and 3d printing and microcontrollers. And while I’ve made a few cool costumes and things since then I never really prioritized it. I think this was more ill-considered emotional self-preservation. I felt like I was already too late, and I had missed the opportunity to contribute to the community. I was right, I did miss many opportunities, but not because I was too late, but because I was too scared. There is still plenty to be done, as there always will be.
The best time to plant a tree is ten years ago, but the second best time is today. So, today I’m working on letting go of the fear of failure. It’s not easy for me. I’ve spent a lifetime either being naturally good at things or coming up with excuses why I wasn’t. In school I generally made As on tests but never did my homework or practice and coasted by with middling grades. At the time I was content since I generally learned the material without trying, because of the aforementioned sponge-brain. I’m both fortunate and cursed, because working hard at something has never been a skill of mine. I’m a shitty painter because I go from zero to frustrated in a few minutes and just. Want. The. Damn. Job. Done. I start putting way too much paint on the roller and end up with streaky walls and paint everywhere. I suck at the other kind of painting for the same reason.
But the real indictment is the other reason I suck at these and many other things. It’s that the impatience isn’t really about the painting being done, it’s about my inability to hold focus long enough to get better. It’s that it’s easier to half-ass a job and live with the result than it is to take responsibility for the outcome and do it right.
I don’t think I’ll ever be a perfectionist, and I’m ok with that. I expect that “good enough” will always be good enough for me. The perfect is the enemy of the good. I’m content to be a hodge-podger, a duct tape user, a not-quite-straight builder, a hacker. I will not be a fine-furniture-craftsman. I’ll be a tinker, not a tailor. (Nor a spy, as far as you know.) And that’s ok.
In any pursuit there is effort, and in an effort to affect the desired effect I expect that unless I deflect the object of my mental defect I will leave undone that which I aspire to erect. Excuses therefore must be elided as weaknesses. Fear cannot be in charge, and mindless distraction will not be permitted to fill the gap.
I’m reclaiming my time.
The intent, which is where all good things begin, is to spend more of it on the things I care about and less on pushing my dopamine button. I want to spend more time learning deeply. I want to spend more time with friends talking about things that matter. I want to make things the world has never seen, and also to let myself be derivative and imperfect and unimpressive and make stupid shit that is ugly and doesn’t work. I want to entertain myself in ways that don’t make me feel like I’ve eaten a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts afterwards. I want to write more deeply, whether or not anyone reads it.
I don’t want my headstone to say “Here lies Hoyle, he pressed the Like button 972,428 times.” I want to have mattered, and I will work on being content if it’s just a little.
So, bringing it back around, I’m going to try to break my addiction to this little black mirror. To use technology with the intent of supporting my values and objectives. To try to notice when it gets in the way. I’ll probably need help. I’ll probably falter and fail. But I hope you’ll soon see a pattern emerge of less frequent but higher quality interactions. I don’t expect to leave social media entirely, but I’m turning the knobs way down, and forcing myself to compensate with more direct interactions and more time spent doing the hard work I’ve always been afraid of.
Wish me luck.
H
“In any pursuit there is effort, and in an effort to affect the desired effect I expect that unless I deflect the object of my mental defect I will leave undone that which I aspire to erect.” — such a Dr. Seuss sentence, in a good way. **two thumbs up***
As to the idea of making and learning things: every tool is a hammer, right? Don’t quit using the hammer just because you hit your thumb once in a while. You can do the thing!